Should I end it with my boyfriend even if I still love him

[Anonymous]

Should I end it with my boyfriend?

Dear Anna,

I should also let you know that my boyfriend and I also have a baby together, a 1 year old. I moved out of our house over the summer. He was not being very loving towards me and wasn’t helping out much with the baby. He would play with her, but wouldn’t get up in the mornings with her, did not help with middle of the night feedings or any of the work involved. He was also going out and coming home in the wee hours of the morning with no explanation. I have also caught him texting at 2 and 3 in the morning. He has a lock on his cell phone and computer. Once I got into both his phone and computer and found it loaded with porn. We also haven’t had sex since before the baby was born. Another issue we have is money. I don’t have a very good job at the present time, but I am taking classes right now so I can get a better job with more pay. My boyfriend has a very good job with great pay. Whenever I need supplies for the baby, he always tells me he is broke, so I end up paying for all of our child’s expenses. I know it sounds like he doesn’t love her, but he does. He is a good daddy and plays so nice with her. I just need more support from him in the care of our child. I am confused. We are engaged to be married but don’t have a date set. Should I break up with him, or marry him. I love him and believe that he loves me. I don’t want to be another statistic, single mom raising a baby. I want my daughter to grow up with a mother and father under the same roof. I don’t want to live the rest of my life alone.

Signed,
Don’t want to be a statistic.

[Anna]

Dear Statistic,

I hate to break this news to you, but, you are going to be a “statistic” in this situation regardless of what you decide to do. You are asking me if you should break up with your “boy” friend, or marry him. Let’s make a list. First, I will list the positive qualities about this man(boy) that you mention, and then I will list the negative ones that you mentioned.

Positive:

1. Plays with his child
2. Has a good paying job.

Negative:

1. Not loving towards you.
2. Not helping out with the work involved in raising and caring for a baby.
3. Stays out all night.
4. Texting late at night instead of being with you or caring for child.
5. Involvement with porn instead of you.
6. No intimacy.
7. Does not support you or the baby financially.


Statistic, he does not sound like a “keeper” to me. My advice is to continue with school, gather all of the loving family support you can to help care for your child, get a good job, and raise your child without marriage ties to your boyfriend. From what you’ve shared with me, it does not sound like it would be best for you, and most importantly your child, to live under the same roof with this man. If you did end up getting married, he would only beat you down. It sounds like you also have some self esteem issues with your fear of “being alone” and even contemplating staying with this immature, unworthy, thoughtless person. You have two people to think of now, yourself and your child. Take care of her the best you can by taking care of yourself. Your life will fall into place if you stay true to yourself. And as for being alone…it’s a far cry better than being with the wrong person. You’re not alone by-the-way, you have your child.

[Big Ed]

Sounds like you are already a single mom. If you aren't tied to him financially - such as with the house - then you really don't have to do anything more than file for child support. Let him see the baby all he wants. He may grow into the role of a good father, but it doesn't appear he's at that position now. Certainly he's not the stuff of a good husband.

If he's been tomcatting around, then you are lucky you haven't had intimacy with him.

[Bill]

When did Porn become bad? Did I miss that memo?

[Anna]

I would use the phrase “deal breaker” in this case. When it (porn) takes the place of interacting with the person you are in a relationship with.

[Bill]

Ah, understood. I could not even fathom that someone would rather stare at a computer screen when they have a willing partner.